Episode 3.23
originally broadcast February 24, 1973
Written by Marylin Suzanne Miller and Monica Magowan-Johnson
Directed by Jay Sandrich
Storyline: Everything goes wrong for Mary Richards. She gets a flat tire, the bottom falls out of her bag of groceries, and she accidentally throws away a file that contained the obituaries that Ted is supposed to read on the air. Lou tells her that she now must spend her lunch hours, evenings, and weekends writing all of them all over again. The next day, she gets a bump in her hair that won't comb out. When she goes to the bathroom to try to fix it, she trips in the hallway and sprains her ankle. The Teddy Awards dinner is on that evening; she's been nominated. She's supposed to take Dan Whitfield as her date, but he's already promised to go to a basketball game with her father. Ted offers to fix her up with a nice Robert Redford-type guy (which turns out to be him, since he's dateless as usual). Back at home, Mary gets a cold from soaking her sprain in cold water, and discovers she has nothing to wear to the awards ceremony (due to the cleaners' failure to get out a stain in her dress). She borrows a trailer-trashy dress from Rhoda. Ted comes to pick her up and he waits for her while she gets ready. Mary emerges wearing the dress, false eyelashes and a fuzzy slipper. And her hair is a mess because her hair dryer broke. They attend the ceremony, and Mary of course wins. She stammers off a pitifully funny acceptance speech and then apologizes to everyone for her rotten appearance. Ted then takes the mic impromptu and proceeds to tell his life story about starting off in a "Five-thousand watt radio station in Fresno..." while Mary, Murray, and Lou stand up and walk out.
Memorable Quotations/Exchanges:
LOU: What are we gonna do if some prominent person dies? No, no, change that. There'e is no 'IF', because they're gonna die! And all we're gonna have to say is maybe, 'so long!'
MARY: I am gonna be writing obituaries for weeks!
LOU: Start with 'A' and hope they die alphabetically.
RHODA: What happened, Mare? Looks like somebody mugged Betty Crocker!
MARY: Rhoda, did you ever have one of those days?
RHODA: Yeah, mostly!
RHODA: I know what you mean, Mare. There was this one day when I...
MARY: Hey, Rhoda, could you just give someone else a chance to be the most miserable?
MARY: Oh, chocolate isn't gonna solve anything.
RHODA: No, no. Cottage cheese solves nothing. Chocolate can do it all.
MARY: (lifting head up off the desk after momentary siesta) Murray, I am just so sick of writing obituaries. I've wanted to end the last five with (imitating Porky Pig) "ebedee, ebedee, ebedee, that's all folks!"
TED: Hi Mary! Your hair looks all bumpy.
MARY: It's alright, I'll be fine. (Lou sets her down; her foot touches the ground and she's in obvious pain.)
MARY: I'm not fine!!!
LOU: We've gotta get you x-rayed. All we can do here is get you xeroxed.
MARY: Ninety-eight point seven! Rhoda, I'm running a fever! I deserve better than ninety-eight point seven. I'm sick and I can't even prove it.
RHODA: Okay, Mare. Run a fever. It'll give you something to do. As my mother would say, 'there are millions of children in Europe who would be thrilled to sit around and have the flu in a gorgeous room like this.'
MARY: Look at that stain.
Mr. MITCHELL: Perspiration sometimes will cause that.
MARY: This is terrible. You are a terrible cleaners.
Mr. MITCHELL: I know.
MARY: No, no, I mean it, you really are!
Mr. MITCHELL: Well why do you think we have free pick-up and delivery? Look, maybe you can cut if off here and wear it to work!
MARY: That does it, I am calling Mitchell's Cleaners and I am going to speak to the owner and find out what he intends to do about this. May I have that number please?
Mr. MITCHELL: 555-7289.
MARY: Thank you very much.
Mr. MITCHELL: You're welcome.
MARY: Hello, this is Mary Richards, may I please speak to the owner? (pause) He is? (pause) Uh huh. (pause) Thank you very much. (hangs up) Mr. Mitchell, what are you going to do about this dress? It's practically brand new. I only wore it twice. Alright, you want the truth, I only wore it once. I'm sorry, I don't usually get this way in front of the cleaners.
MARY: I'm waiting for the nail polish on the run in my stocking to dry.
MARY: I'm sorry Ted, but this is "ready."
TED: What's the matter with your hair?
MARY: My hair dryer broke.
TED: Boy, if I'd known this was going to happen, I'd have taken my mother. She's got a dress just like that.
MARY: Do you want to go in separate cars? That's fine with me, I don't mind going in separate cars.
TED: No, no. It'll be hard enough to even park one car in this rain.
MARY: It's raining?
TED: Yeah, started about five minutes ago.
MARY: And I left my umbrella at the office. I don't suppose you'd want to share your umbrella, Ted. (Mary goes into her bathroom)
TED: Oh, sure, as long as you stay under your third. I've got on a new tuxedo and my appearance is very important to me. They'll be taking pictures of me and I may have to...
MARY: (emerges wearing a yellow rain poncho over her dress) That's okay Ted, don't worry about me. It almost seems appropriate that I should be rained on.
MARY: (sneezing) Aaaahchoo!! (recovering) Thank you. I usually look SO much better than this. Please believe me, I have a much cuter dress at the cleaners, and my hair...it's just that I've had this cold, but I shouldn't be talking about something as silly as this. And when you gave me this award, (wailing now) I'm just...(cough)...sorry...I'm just sorry. Thank you very much.
She steps down and starts apologizing to the people sitting at the tables; Lou hugs her
TED: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. You all know me, Ted Baxter, WJM TV Six O'Clock News. Now I know I didn't win anything tonight, but I also know that your giving Mary Richards the award was your way of saying, 'Thanks, Ted for a job well done.' (opens speech). It all started in a five-thousand-watt radio station in Fresno, California. A sixty-five dollar paycheck and a crazy dream. (Lou, Mary, and Murray get up and slink out)
Credits:
Associate Producer/Production Manager: Lionel A. Ephraim
Music composed and conducted by Pat Williams
Theme music "Love is All Around" written and sung by Sonny Curtis
Director of Photography: Paul Uhl
Assistant Producer: Michael Zinberg
Art Director: Lewis Hurst, Jr.
Film Editor: Douglas Hines
Assistant Director: John C. Chulay
Script Supervisor: Marjorie Mullen
Set Decorator: Joseph Rieth
Camera Coordinator: Don Bustany
Gaffer: Sam Ozment
Key Grip: Roy Kight
Property Master: Gene Cox
Makeup: Ben Nye, II
Hairstylist: Donna Cox
Sound Mixer: Cameron McCullough
Music Editor: Ed Norton Music Editing, Inc.
Production Assistant: Cheryl Blythe
Men's Costumes: Don McDonald
Women's Costumes: Leslie Hall
Wardrobe for Mary Tyler Moore furnished by Norman Todd
Script Consultants: James L. Brooks and Allan Burns
Trivia: This is Mary Tyler Moore's favorite episode. This is also the episode where Mary does her Warner Brothers Cartoons "That's all folks!" imitation of Porky Pig instead of the kitten meowing.
Rating: 100
Humor: 25
Writing: 25
Acting: 25
Story Concept: 25
Category: One of the best
Comment: This is definitely one of the jewels...call it exaggerated, call it overplayed, but it's damn, DAMN funny. The best moment has to be when Mary enters the awards dinner, looking worse than a hooker who's been in the gutter for a week...then hears her name announced and she's forced to go up and stammer an acceptance speech.
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